


Survivor

by Falathren



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Childhood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-06-06
Packaged: 2018-02-03 15:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1749527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Falathren/pseuds/Falathren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's peaceful on the Normandy. Kaidan and Shepard relax together, but then a simple question turns the mood and Shepard tells Kaidan his story. One he has never told anyone before. Please mind the tags before reading.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Survivor

They should be getting back to work. The reports surely weren’t going to file themselves. The galaxy surely wasn’t going to save itself. But they needed the downtime to fill up their reserves as much as they needed to be close to each other.

Kaidan was sitting on the couch in the Observation Deck and at least pretended to be reading a datapad. But it was a desperate task, because Shepard lay with his head in Kaidan’s lap, half asleep and still not fully dressed. At least he had put on his pants again, as Kaidan had insisted. It wasn’t that they were trying to hide their relationship. But some things weren’t meant for a broader audience.

Absently Kaidan stroked over Shepard’s head and the little stubble that was supposed to be hair. It amazed him how peaceful and relaxed his partner looked right now. Kaidan wished it could always be like this.

But just as he had formed that thought, Shepard stirred and opened his eyes. He looked up dreamily at Kaidan and raised his hand to cradle the cheek of the other man. Welcoming the touch, Kaidan dropped the datapad to the ground and bent down to place a soft kiss on Shepard’s brow.

“Hey,” Kaidan said.

“Hey,” Shepard replied.

“Care to get dressed now?”

Shepard’s lips formed into a mischievous grin. “Not really.” He sat up straight and nevertheless gathered his shirt from the ground in front of him. “But if it makes you feel better.” Shepard tried to look hurt, but didn’t quite succeed.

As Kaidan rolled his eyes in mocked annoyance, Shepard slipped into his shirt and leaned back on the couch, gazing out of the huge window.

The sight was beautiful. They had entered a small star system to refuel and one of the planets was in view of the Observation Deck. Kaidan had been admiring the soft bluish orb, while Shepard was asleep, wondering what was going on under the atmosphere of that planet.

“Where are we currently?” Shepard asked.

“Somewhere in Hawking Eta.” Kaidan sighed and his gaze wandered from Shepard to the window. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is. Reminds me of the view of…” Shepard stopped in midsentence, leaving Kaidan guessing what he wanted to say.

“Earth? I’ll always remember the first time, I left Earth. Afraid, because I didn’t know what would happen to me, but also looking down and feeling, well…”

Shepard slowly shook his head. “Mindoir. I was going to say Mindoir.” His voice was only a whisper and he had closed his eyes.

“Mindoir, huh? What was it like there?” Kaidan implored carefully, but Shepard only shrugged weakly.

“Come on, you’ve never told me anything about it.”

“It’s not a nice story, Kaidan.”

“But your life on the colony before it was attacked? You’ve never told me about your youth or childhood.”

“Like I said, it’s not a nice story.”

He noticed that Shepard had tensed up. Soothingly he extended his hand and rested it on Shepard’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

Shepard’s head turned and Kaidan noticed that his eyes looked watery. His gaze, however, was still intense. It seemed like Shepard was measuring him, calculating a possible risk. Kaidan was starting to feel uneasy. Concern was making him frown.

“It’s alright, John. You don’t need to tell me. I was just curious, you know.” He tried and couldn’t keep the slight tremble out of his voice.

At first Shepard didn’t seem convinced, but then he turned and faced the glowing orb in front of them again. When he spoke his voice was firm, despite his apparent uncertainty a few seconds ago.

“He beat us, you know. Hurt us both over and over.”

Kaidan felt a cold shiver run through his body. “Who?” He asked, but he had a feeling he already knew the answer.

“My father.” Shepard sighed and leaned back, closing his eyes again. “You’d think that colony life is all honey and cupcakes. Live a life in a peaceful community, be independent and enjoy your family.”

Shepard took a deep breath, steading himself. “But it isn’t. Truth is that no one bothers. Or rather no one wants to bother. My father has been violent ever since I remember. My guess is that serving in the First Contact War did this to him. He usually went after my mother, left her bruised and bleeding in the kitchen, in the living room or even in our garden. Sometimes he came after me, when I was, you know, noisy or dropped something or…”

Shepard stopped and Kaidan could feel him tremble. He moved closer, wrapping his arm around both of Shepard’s shoulders. “Go on…”

Shepard had to take another deep breath, before he could continue. His voice was now shaking audibly.

“When he came after me, Mum tried to stop him. She kept me from harm so often, even if it left her hurt again. She was like a shield.”

Kaidan tugged on Shepard’s shoulder and the other man followed, pressing himself against Kaidan’s chest. They sat in silence for a few minutes.

During this time, Kaidan desperately wanted to say something, but couldn’t. He had never suspected that kind of story behind Shepard’s past. The truth was that he had always imagined Shepard as a cheerful, happy child with a loving family, living a carefree life until the horrible attack by the batarians. He had believed that Shepard refused to talk about Mindoir, because of that trauma. How could he have been so ignorant? He loved Shepard, cared for him and thought he’d known at least a bit about him. Kaidan cursed himself silently, as he held Shepard’s shivering body.

Long moments passed until Shepard had gathered enough strength to speak again.

“Mum, though, she knew how to hide me. Because even as I grew older, there was nothing I could have done to stop my father. When I had just turned fourteen, he broke my arm again. He was strong and you couldn’t calm him.

“There were signs, though. Mum and I knew how to read him. So, sometimes we both hid in the house or somewhere else, when we thought he would come for us. Sometimes we were too late. Sometimes he found us.

“And no matter how tall I grew, I couldn’t stop him. The only thing I could do, was pick up my mother afterwards. Make sure, she wasn’t hurt too badly or get her to the ER otherwise.”

When he took another break from speaking, Kaidan pressed him even closer. “Was there no one to help you?” He asked carefully, afraid of hurting Shepard with his words. The reply was a chocked, bitter laugh.

“No, Kaidan, it doesn’t work like that. Yes, everyone has the duty to report abuse- doctors, neighbors, teachers. But the truth is that no one does. It’s easier to look in the other direction. As far as I remember we have always been isolated. Mum didn’t have any friends and of course, no one ever sent their children over to play with the son of an impulsive, unpredictable wife-beater.

“One time I went to someone. A doctor, I thought I could trust. I was sure she might help us. But she said…” Shepard swallowed hard and tried again. “She asked what we had done to make him so angry. Why we kept provoking him and I… I…”

Shepard was shaking badly now. He wasn’t crying, but his breaths were irregular and hard, like he was choking. Kaidan tried to soothe him with kisses on his forehead, caressing him with his hands, but it took a long time until Shepard calmed down again.

“I’m so sorry, John.” Kaidan whispered, his own voice trembling. “I love you.”

Shepard tilted his head and looked up. His eyes were red, but dry. Despite everything he was smiling at his partner.

“I love you, too. I never thought I could do this, being close to you and forget…” He took a deep breath, gathering strength and sat up straight, separating himself from Kaidan’s embrace.

“But listen, when the batarians came, I was… I was glad. Through all these years I wished for something to happen to make it stop.” Shepard took another ragged breath and averted his eyes.

“Yes, sometimes I even wished he would die or just disappear. When the attack began, I was glad, because it meant it was over. They made it stop, you know. I was convinced they would just kill us and make the pain go away. But my mother, she protected me even then, hid me in the ducts, as she had done so many times before. I begged her not to leave me. To hide with me. But she didn’t. She turned around and ran to him. I was so angry. Why did she do it? I’ll never understand.

“And yet I stayed in my hiding place. I didn’t go after her. I didn’t grasp her arm and pulled her into the duct with me. No, I let her go.

“I heard them enter our house. They walked around with slow steps. Thud, thud…” Shepard was indicating a heavy rhythm by clapping the back of his hands against one another. “My mother was in the living room, still arguing with my father. Then I heard two gunshots. They had just shot them on sight. They only wanted young people as slaves.

“I was sitting in the ducts and waited until they had left. I felt… I don’t know, relieved in a way. I’m a horrible person.”

“You’re not.” Kaidan took Shepard’s face in his hands and gently forced him to meet his eyes.

“But I am. I was happy and relieved. A whole colony got abducted or killed and I didn’t care. I hid like a little mouse. I never tried to save anyone. Yet I survived. I should be ashamed.”

“John,” Kaidan took a deep breath. “There is nothing you could have done. You’re not responsible.”

Before he could argue, Kaidan pressed his lips to Shepard’s. He tried to resist for a second, pressing his lips shut, but then he gave into the kiss and let Kaidan embrace him, hold him.

Kaidan put all he had in this kiss, trying to comfort Shepard and make up for the years of hurt, despite knowing he never could. But maybe he could ease some of the pain.

Their kiss lasted for a long moment and when they ended it, Shepard kept clinging to Kaidan, burying his face on Kaidan’s shoulder. He seemed to be calming down. Kaidan felt how his muscles relaxed under his hands and took it as a good sign.

The last couple of minutes had given Kaidan enough to think about to cause another migraine. He had never seen Shepard this emotional before. Normally, his face was a controlled mask, hiding his feeling perfectly, except for the times he was alone with Kaidan. But even that had taken time. It had been days after their little date at Apollo’s that Shepard had started to relax enough to let his guard down a little, when he was with Kaidan.

Kaidan had suspected that the trauma of the batarian attack had been the cause for his sometimes distant behavior.

He had never asked, though. He had been sure that John would open up to him eventually. But he had never imagined a story like this behind it and honestly hadn’t been ready for John crumbling in his arms like this.

When he felt that Shepard had calmed down enough, he carefully entangled himself from him.

“John, is there anything I can do?” Kaidan wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to ask. He couldn’t make those horrible experiences undone. Anxiously he watched Shepard’s expression change from a furrowed brow to a warm smile.

“You’re still here with me, Kaidan. That’s more than I could have asked for.” He pressed a quick kiss on Kaidan’s cheek. “It feels strange, you know. I’ve never told anyone. After the Alliance came and carried me away from Mindoir, I never spoke about my father. I didn’t want anyone to know about it, mainly because I felt so… so ashamed.

“You probably know that it was Anderson’s squad that first arrived on Mindoir. When they found me, he brought me back to his ship instead of just handing me over to the arriving emergency teams. He looked after me, even checked on my foster family later. When we lifted off, I saw Mindoir from space and it looked just like this.”

“Anderson’s a great man.” Kaidan spoke quietly.

“Yeah, he is.” Shepard shifted and lay down on the couch again, his head coming to rest on Kaidan’s lap once more.

They sat in silence, both of them recovering from the straining talk. Shepard had picked up one of Kaidan’s hands and was playing with it, intertwining their fingers, kissing the palm from time to time. His expression had softened and Kaidan was relieved to see him relax visibly.

It was a strange feeling. Something Kaidan couldn’t quite grasp.

Had anything changed? He couldn’t be sure, but in a way it felt like it. Shepard’s revelation had been a gesture of pure trust. He had said that he had never told anyone before, rendering Kaidan the only person he had ever confided with.

It had changed their relationship, taken it to a new level.

Kaidan felt a warm flash of energy surge through his body and he leaned forward to kiss Shepard’s lip. The other smiled at him. He seemed to be content and this was all Kaidan could have asked for.

“I sometimes wonder…” Shepard broke the silence between them with a quiet, steady voice.

“About what?”

“If we were to make it through this insane war, do you think we’d be good parents?”

This question took Kaidan by real surprise. Baffled he couldn’t come up with a reply. His look of utter confusion made Shepard laugh. It was a wholehearted, honest laugh.

“No, seriously, though Kaidan. I know our chances to see a galaxy without Reapers are slim to non-existent. But still, I wonder about it from time to time. Helps me to keep my focus.

“We’ve both seen war and senseless violence, torture and death. But I think you’d be great father. Loving and caring.” Shepard sighed. “I don’t know if I could do it, though.”

Kaidan thought about this for a few seconds. The tone in Shepard’s voice told him that he wasn’t just screwing around and had probably thought about it a lot already. That’s why he measured his words carefully.

“I think it would be tough for anyone. But we got each other and once this war is over, I’d like to see us do it.”

**Author's Note:**

> This story hasn't been beta-ed or edited. I didn't want it. I wanted it to be just like I wrote it. So my apologies for all remaining mistakes. 
> 
> Some parts of this story are also part of my story, most parts aren't though. Verbal abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse, though. I know more of the former, luckily less of the latter. 
> 
> I'm glad that I found a way to write this story.


End file.
